A Good Word- A Blog from Executive Director Matt Berryman
“No” as a Love Language
I grew up in the South, where being “nice” and polite was very important. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” my mother often said. Being agreeable and nice was deeply interwoven with being Christian, as well. At some point, though, I began to see that this idea—while well-meaning—wasn’t enough to support realemotional or spiritual growth. When I turned to Scripture, I encountered strong and compassionate voices—but rarely were they “nice.”
Being a follower of Jesus is not about being “nice” or “likable.” Niceness often means avoiding conflict, pleasing others, or keeping the peace. But Jesus did not call us to be agreeable—he confronted injustice, challenged hypocrisy, overturned tables, and spoke truths that caused people to walk away.
As Christians, we are called to love—and sometimes the most loving thing we can do is say “no.” Saying “no” to harmful behavior, unrealistic expectations, or even our own desire to be liked is an act of truth and integrity. It prioritizes what is right over what is easy.
Love also calls us to show up honestly, even when it’s uncomfortable. For example, sharing deeply personal feelings—fears, insecurities, or emotions we’d rather hide—can feel risky, but it often deepens connection. Telling a trusted friend, “I feel hurt when you cancel plans at the last minute,” or saying to your partner, “I’m struggling with jealousy when I see you connect with someone else,” requires vulnerability—but it builds trust. It’s also true. As followers of Jesus, we’re not called to hide the truth to get along—we’re called to speak the truth in love. As Jesus said, “the truth will set you free.”
Harville Hendrix’s well-known love languages—words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch—are meaningful ways to express care and connection. Relationship counselors use them often to help people understand how they and their partners experience love and give love. I would add another love language: saying “no.”
A well-placed “no,” or an honest sharing of difficult feelings, creates space for authenticity and deeper relationship. It creates healthy boundaries, fosters mutual respect, and can ultimately reflect the love of God more clearly than quiet disagreement or forced “niceness.”
Perhaps Lent offers an invitation to contemplate and ponder the honesty you bring to your relationships. Learning how to say “no” with care and compassion, learning to speak the truth in love, and learning how to show up to others as your true self – even when it doesn’t feel easy or comfortable is a virtue worth practicing this Lent.
Lenten Blessings to you and yours,
Matt Berryman
Executive Director